Transforming Bullshit into Success

WITH THE CRAFTY LOGIC OF A DACHSHUND

AuthorSuite Satire!

          

Dachshund_brown_puppy

In recent times, certain triumphs that have become rather phenomenal and utterly inexplicable—in politics as well as in other spheres of life including show-business, society, and even literature—have baffled many. People have tried in vain to wrap their heads around the possible logic behind such unforeseen trend and coup de grâce. 

Now, here’s a story that explains it perfectly:

Female leopard

A certain wealthy man goes on a safari in Africa. He takes his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long realizes he is lost.

Wandering about, he catches a glimpse of a leopard heading in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, “Oh, my goodness! Am I about to die?”

Albertine Rift Safari monkey - Western Uganda

Panic-stricken, he looks around him, notices some bones on the ground. Hurrah! He has a brainwave. He immediately settles down and begins to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts in mid-stride, a look of sheer horror on his face. Slinking into the woods, he exclaims, “Whew, that was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Leopard Vs Monkey

Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can turn the detection into a bargaining power in his quest for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. 

The dachshund turns in time to see the big mouth primate heading after the leopard with excitement, and somehow understands. Long story short, the monkey catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a sweetheart deal.

As expected, the leopard is furious that the dachshund had made a fool of him, and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that devious canine.”

Now, the dachshund, still unable find a way out of the woods, sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What trick dare I pull now?” Suddenly, he has another brainwave. So,  instead of escaping as one might expect, he sits down with his back to the looming danger and pretends not to notice the furious leopard and his new friend.

As soon as they are within earshot, he says, “Where’s that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

There! (I'm sure you get the drift.)

SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN’T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, JUST BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT.

Note: If you understand the satire, leave a comment.

Disclaimer: The story of the dachshund on a safari in Africa is not my original creation.

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The Exotic Settings of a Troubling Story

Prato della Valle

ANNABELLA

Is partially set in the university town of Padua - from the fabulous Prato della Valle, a 90,000 square meter elliptical square, which is the largest square in Italy, and one of the largest in Europe - to Pedrocchi Café, best known as café-without-doors for its long tradition of keeping its doors open, night and day. It was founded in the 18th century in central Padua.

Prato della Valle

The early chapters are also set in a spectacular location known locally as Colli Euganei, meaning the Euganean Hills, which are a group of hills of volcanic origin that rise to heights of 300 to 600m from the Padovan-Venetian plain a few km south of Padua.

Book Blurb

She wanted the truth, now it has ensnared her

Annabella is a gorgeous college sophomore, passionately in love with a young army recruit, who is forbidden to love her. When her father conspires with the military to send him to a foreign country on a peacekeeping mission, a series of unexpected evil begins. Annabella’s reliance on the Red Cross to circumvent her father’s plan seems perfect, until a strange young woman, declared dead in her country, crosses the Mediterranean into her home with a story that’s poised to change everything...

Excerpts & Snippets ...

Pedrocchi Cafè

It was a breezy morning, almost the end of September; the hustle and bustle that often marked graduation ceremonies here had eased up today. Three flags perching at the top of the Town Hall were fluttering in the autumn breeze and the stern-faced police officers standing outside it, ogled her as they did every woman who walked by, mercifully without accompanying catcalls.

Colli Euganei

“1973 is a crazy year, isn’t it?” she heard her father’s smug voice in her head and winced. Sometimes there was no escaping genetics unless, of course, love was at stake, she mused. Still, she reckoned that her dad’s theory might have some merit because there, indeed, was something about the year that hinted at madness.

City of Padua

Padua is a city in Northern Italy’s Veneto region. It’s known for the frescoes by Giotto in its Scrovegni Chapel and the vast 13th-century Basilica of St. Anthony. In Padua’s old town are arcaded streets and stylish cafes frequented by students of the University of Padua, established in 1222.

Click here to request an Advance Readers Copy

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Is English a crazy language?

#Humor - The Paradox of English

“NEVER MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS BROKEN ENGLISH. IT MEANS THEY KNOW ANOTHER LANGUAGE.”   

-   H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Rudyard Kipling

Rudyard Kipling, who, in 1907 was the first English-language writer, and at the age of 42, the youngest recipient of the Nobel Prize in Literature, was said to have been fired as a reporter for the San Francisco Examiner. His termination letter was reported to have said, “I’m sorry, Mr. Kipling, but you just don’t know how to use the English language. This isn’t a kindergarten for amateur writers.” 

Now, while there is no corroborative record of this event, it nonetheless sounds crazy to hear that an English journalist and Nobel laureate was actually fired for improper use of English. Hilarious? Yes. Crazy? Maybe, but certainly not as far-fetched an incident as it might seem, after all publishers get it embarrassingly wrong some of the time. 

In one of his most enduring quotes, Kipling was recorded as saying, “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”

Interesting? Now, here are the top 20 reasons why the English language is so difficult to learn:   

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Well, isn’t it funny that there is no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger? There’s neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. Native speakers take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Now, here’s a quick question: If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. How about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit “start.”

Hilarious Quotes:

• “In my sentences I go where no man has gone before… I am a boon to the English Language.”  - George W. Bush                     

•  “Drawing on my fine command of the English Language, I said nothing.” - Robert Benchley                          

•   “England and America are two countries separated by a common Language.”  - George Bernard Shaw                                                                 

•   “The English language has a deceptive air of simplicity; so have some little frocks, but they are both not the kind of thing you can run up in half an hour with a machine.” - Dorothy L. Sayers                                              

•   “English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.” - Unknown Author  

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